DePRESSED

So, it seems like everyday it just gets more depressing…my life is just like, stuck in the mud. No way to get anywhere, and I just feel like I keep saying, “this is what I need to do, this is what I need to do” but NOTHING changes. I just feel mad at MYSELF. Like, disappointed in myself for not having my shit together-and being so freaking poor. I am poor, and I know it. Its like paycheck to paycheck. I hate the fact that I am in my 20’s during a freaking recession when no one has money and jobs are crappy and hard to find. *ugh* This life just needs to get better-because it REALLY sucks right now.

life style changes need to be implimented, ASAP!

Apparently I have highish blood pressure-which is BAD (obviously). I wish that I had more $$ to spend on organic foods. BUT I suppose I could just cook from scratch all the time or something-? Idk, in todays world its so easy just to go get pre-made pre-done EVERYTHING, but I know that is a TERRIBLE way to do stuff! Eeep!! So, I searched for recipes online for foods that don’t include any processed foods and came across a blog called “the food illusion” and its actually pretty inspiring, and makes me want to go through my fridge and throw out anything that is processed right now! This chick includes a lot of recipes and pictures and advice as she chronicles her journey through healthy non-processed food cooking. INSPIRATION. Also, I need to cut sodium (salt) out of my diet drastically, I know I eat WAY more of that stuff than I should. Eeep! I also need to get back to exercising, I’ve gone 3 weeks without Zumba and should get back to it-but it’s so expensive! Maybe I would be better off just doing the videos and saving money in the long run, something to look into also. So, salt, processed foods, weight-those all need to go down in size! I’m on a mission now-if I can’t get my BP down my health place won’t give me my BC pills anymore-and that’s a bad thing. I know that BC pills contribute to HBP also, but I know making other changes can help lower it too. So, processed foods have GOT to go because they are CHOCK full of sodium (salt) and I need to lower my intake of that. So, I guess my blog is now turning into a food and health blog? I know that if you haven’t watched Food Inc yet you should! I watched it instant on Netflix-you will never eat meat again! (or at least you won’t from a supermarket-helllo organic!) I already only eat chicken, venison, and turkey-I don’t eat beef, pork or anything else like that-I don’t like the taste. So, I will be including recipes I find- or sharing them from other blogs or sites I suppose would be more accurate. So, here we go on a new adventure-hopefully one I can stick with-for my health’s sake I need to! I also need to find more ways to de-stress-I seriously need to-I do have a stressful life in some ways, I worry about money a lot-my wedding-my plans for the future-you know, LIFE. *sigh* Okay, well thats all for today!

Death. Drama. Dreams.

Death:

So, my Oma died this past Thursday. It was a blow for sure. 😦 November 4th, Aunt Roxann found her at her home dead from a massive heart attack. Just one day before her 77 birthday. 😦 It was a shock to everyone. I know its something that happens to everyone-we all die-but I didn’t think it would be so soon. She’ll never see me married, or my kids when I have them. They won’t get to have a great-grandma. 😦 That just sucks. Such a tragic year for my family. Everyone thinks that the reason she died was because she had such a shock when our cousin Matthew died 6 months ago. He was like her “golden boy” and I think she never got over the fact that he died. So, sad news for the family.

Drama:
My wedding is coming along-SORT OF. Sometimes I feel like nothing is getting done, and then sometimes its like I feel like I have to get EVERYTHING DONE. And in the end-NOTHING gets done. LOL. But I’ve been having some problems with bridesmaids-who’s walking with who drama and then just straight up moodiness that comes and goes and it really freaking annoying!! Oh my life can never be simple-of course not. *sigh* Okay, I guess that’s enough Pity Party for Bronwyn. Haha.

Dreams:

Me and Nathan are hoping to move to Springfield soon, we want to go up and look at some houses next week and see if we like them enough to rent them 🙂 He’s also been applying at places trying to find a job and I am going to start looking more earnestly. I REALLY want to start my Cosmetology School up there already! I want to get some wicked tricks with hair and nails and start making the $$. I am tired of this mediocre life and I want more-I feel like I have wasted the last year and a half-and I want to get my life going dammit! LOL. I want a house and kids and crap soon-so I don’t want to keep waiting around for something to happen. I’m gonna grab the bull by the horns and MAKE it happen for me. Seriously. This year is gonna be a good one (2011) and I intend to make it the best I can. 2010 has been good and bad and tragic and I want 2011 to just be good, amazing, awesome, and wonderful!!! Yay go positive vibes!!! 🙂

*OK, that’s it*


Wedding, wedding, wedding???

Soooo, weddings can be really unpredictable…and so can life! Right now I am trying to figure out what to DO about my wedding. First off, money is a big issue, and also weight, and location. So, right now we are trying to decide if we want to postpone our wedding or go ahead and have it in about 7 months. The thing is, my fiance` wants to start EMT school in January, which would put him still in school when our wedding is supposed to happen. I’ve always wanted a beach side wedding is my dream wedding. I love the idea of sand, waves, shells, everything so pretty and romantic…its the PERFECT wedding for us, I know it. Unfortunately if we have the wedding in seven months, it’s not going to be a beach wedding, it’s going to be an Ozarks wedding, at a river, or lake or something. But I can’t find a perfect spot-I’ve looked and looked and looked-but nothing is what I want…and I’m beginning to think that it’s because I really want a wedding beach side deep down. I know that it would be a “destination” wedding but I don’t care. I know all the people important to me would go-well, mostly. Probably not my grandparents because they would be hard pressed to make it to my actual wedding here where I live! So, it’s a big decision and I’m not sure if I am ready to make it or not yet! BUT I am having my wedding dress custom made-and she wants to start my dress in January if I am getting married this year-so that’s a lot to decide about! I just feel like I have NO idea what I REALLY want-its frustrating! Grrr. I might be stalling on my wedding because I’m just not SURE if we want it in 2011 or 2012! That’s something we need to figure out soon though-eep!! Gah, wedding planning is a headache!

It’s 2:42am-why am I still awake?

Lately it seems like I can’t go to sleep early. Maybe that just means I don’t have enough to do during the day to tire me out. Or maybe I just stay up late out of habit-or boredom. Its tough to not know what direction to go in your life. To me it’s like a fuzzy image-I know what it is but I just can’t see how to GET to it, and its all blurred and distorted around the edges. Its like, I can see the result but I can’t find the formula. That’s just disturbing because I am referring to my life…To say that I am depressed wouldn’t be quite accurate…its more like I am dissatisfied, distressed, ect. Two things that are also not GOOD things, but things I just don’t know how to fix. My whole life I have used diaries and blogs to express my feelings-and usually they help me clarify what I need to change to make my life better-but in the last few years I have gotten nothing-no soul searching, light blub moments-nothing. I find myself not being able to recall my life in the last few years-I mean, I know I have lived it, but it all just melds together and just seems so grey and unexciting-I forget the fun parts because everything else is so drab and dire. Wow-I just reread what I have been writing-and I seem like I am a depressed suicidal girl. LOL. Not my style-I just suppose I am more discontented with how my life has unfolded in certain areas. Okay-in ONE area…my career! I have done NOTHING with my brains, beauty, talent, all the things that make me-ME-and I have an associates degree and a background of crazy and opposite jobs…don’t get me wrong-I don’t MIND the fact that I know almost every stinking fish in Missouri, or that I am a class 1 tree faller, or that I have experience with forest fire techniques…but its not a solid career! I work in fast food now-and that is pretty much the crappiest job out there. My experience and college has gotten me nowhere-and its just so aggravating to me. I feel like I have let myself down and am wasting precious time that I could be using to further my education or learn a trade skill, or SOMETHING. Man, I am so dramatic. Okay, I suppose this is the end of my first (of many I am sure) post in this blog. So, I’m going to try to go to sleep now-and hopefully not be awakened by my crazy neighbors (I’ll save them for a different post). So, goodnight world-until we meet again 🙂