Wedding, wedding, wedding???

Soooo, weddings can be really unpredictable…and so can life! Right now I am trying to figure out what to DO about my wedding. First off, money is a big issue, and also weight, and location. So, right now we are trying to decide if we want to postpone our wedding or go ahead and have it in about 7 months. The thing is, my fiance` wants to start EMT school in January, which would put him still in school when our wedding is supposed to happen. I’ve always wanted a beach side wedding is my dream wedding. I love the idea of sand, waves, shells, everything so pretty and romantic…its the PERFECT wedding for us, I know it. Unfortunately if we have the wedding in seven months, it’s not going to be a beach wedding, it’s going to be an Ozarks wedding, at a river, or lake or something. But I can’t find a perfect spot-I’ve looked and looked and looked-but nothing is what I want…and I’m beginning to think that it’s because I really want a wedding beach side deep down. I know that it would be a “destination” wedding but I don’t care. I know all the people important to me would go-well, mostly. Probably not my grandparents because they would be hard pressed to make it to my actual wedding here where I live! So, it’s a big decision and I’m not sure if I am ready to make it or not yet! BUT I am having my wedding dress custom made-and she wants to start my dress in January if I am getting married this year-so that’s a lot to decide about! I just feel like I have NO idea what I REALLY want-its frustrating! Grrr. I might be stalling on my wedding because I’m just not SURE if we want it in 2011 or 2012! That’s something we need to figure out soon though-eep!! Gah, wedding planning is a headache!

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It’s 2:42am-why am I still awake?

Lately it seems like I can’t go to sleep early. Maybe that just means I don’t have enough to do during the day to tire me out. Or maybe I just stay up late out of habit-or boredom. Its tough to not know what direction to go in your life. To me it’s like a fuzzy image-I know what it is but I just can’t see how to GET to it, and its all blurred and distorted around the edges. Its like, I can see the result but I can’t find the formula. That’s just disturbing because I am referring to my life…To say that I am depressed wouldn’t be quite accurate…its more like I am dissatisfied, distressed, ect. Two things that are also not GOOD things, but things I just don’t know how to fix. My whole life I have used diaries and blogs to express my feelings-and usually they help me clarify what I need to change to make my life better-but in the last few years I have gotten nothing-no soul searching, light blub moments-nothing. I find myself not being able to recall my life in the last few years-I mean, I know I have lived it, but it all just melds together and just seems so grey and unexciting-I forget the fun parts because everything else is so drab and dire. Wow-I just reread what I have been writing-and I seem like I am a depressed suicidal girl. LOL. Not my style-I just suppose I am more discontented with how my life has unfolded in certain areas. Okay-in ONE area…my career! I have done NOTHING with my brains, beauty, talent, all the things that make me-ME-and I have an associates degree and a background of crazy and opposite jobs…don’t get me wrong-I don’t MIND the fact that I know almost every stinking fish in Missouri, or that I am a class 1 tree faller, or that I have experience with forest fire techniques…but its not a solid career! I work in fast food now-and that is pretty much the crappiest job out there. My experience and college has gotten me nowhere-and its just so aggravating to me. I feel like I have let myself down and am wasting precious time that I could be using to further my education or learn a trade skill, or SOMETHING. Man, I am so dramatic. Okay, I suppose this is the end of my first (of many I am sure) post in this blog. So, I’m going to try to go to sleep now-and hopefully not be awakened by my crazy neighbors (I’ll save them for a different post). So, goodnight world-until we meet again 🙂